Need a Best Man Speech?
Well, congratulations to you and your buddy! I'm sure he's
a lucky man, and even luckier to have you as a friend. But
you know you're going to have to say something nice about
him, and you can't think of anything. No, just kidding...
you're just super-nervous and you want to make sure you
give the best best man speech you possibly can, right?
Well, you've come to the right place. Take a deep breath.
I'm a professional. I know exactly what you should do.
RUN AS FAR AS YOU CAN RIGHT NOW AND CHANGE YOUR NAME!
Just kidding. You'll be fine, really. You're going to give
a great best man speech. How do I know? Because your friend,
the groom, picked you. He loves you, man, just because
you're you. So that's what we need to get out of you for this
speech- why are you his best man, why is this wedding so special,
how much does he love his beautiful bride, and how sure you are
they're going to have a great life together. If you want a canned
speech, you can go elsewhere, and the links are below- but if
you want to reduce your friends to blubbering teary-eyed idiots
and remember how great your best man speech was for the rest of
your life, stick with me.
So, tip number one about the best man speech: don't get drunk
until after you give it! Tip number two: write down
everything you can think of about the bride and groom- brainstorm
it- don't try to make it sound good yet, don't judge it, just
jot everything down. For example: "Their dog, they washed
it... his car, convertible, they did it in there once and a cop
caught them... our trip to vegas and the girls that-"
Ok, right, you're not going to use everything you think of...
remember, grandma, mom, and the 6 year old cousins are all going
to be there, too. So once you have all the good and bad ideas
written down, tip number three for your best man speech: cross
out everything that wouldn't be in a PG-13 romantic comedy.
And speaking of comedy, tip number four is: if you aren't good
at making groups of people laugh, don't try to start now.
If you screw up and no one laughs, most of the audience will realize
you were trying to get a laugh and not only think you're an idiot,
but that you're selfish for trying to do stand up when it's
supposed to be all about the bride and groom, stupid!
Right, so hopefully you have some material for your best man
speech by now - a story about how they met, or something romantic
or meaningful the groom confided to you about her or their future
(but don't give away any honeymoon surprises, you dope!), or a
funny story about something they tried to do that went wrong,
like a bad first date or something (yeah I said not to try to
be funny, but if you tell a funny story and don't expect a laugh,
and you get one, fine, but don't base the whole thing on them
laughing), or something really cool and coincidental that happened
to them once. You can work with that.
Now, here are the general guidelines for your best man speech.
Your goals are:
- Even if he's not, make the groom seem romantic, funny,
financially stable, and hopelessly in love with his bride -
in your best man speech, you're allowed to tell a story
that makes him look foolish, but you'll have to make up for
that with something even more brilliant about how great he is.
- Don't make fun of the bride or any of the relatives,
unless there's a weird uncle everyone thinks is weird and you're
close enough to the family to get away with it, but when in
doubt, leave them alone.
- It's not about you, so don't put yourself down to make
the groom seem better (that's totally unconvincing- they might
believe you're an idiot, but that won't make him look good-
he chose you as his best man, remember?) and only talk about
your thoughts or feelings in order to make a point about how
awesome the bride and groom are, or in order to end your speech
with a sigh and a "I love you man!"
But I'm not saying you should end it that way. It's classier
to end your best man speech with something like- "I love
you guys, and I know you're going to have a great life together.
I just want you to know that I, and all of us, are with you all
the way, and we're looking forward to seeing you two blossom together,
and we definitely want to be invited to your 20th wedding anniversary!"
My last piece of advice for your best man speech? Try it out
on a couple of different people- not just people like you and
the groom, but also some women and some people from other generations.
The feedback you'll get, if you encourage them to be honest, will
help you develop a well-rounded, genuine best man speech that
will build up and honor your two special friends.
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Links to examples of good best man speeches and canned best
man speeches that no one should recite mindlessly like it's some
freshman college paper you have to write, it's your friggin best